The divorce is final, the custody arrangements have been worked out, and all parties agreed to the supervision and visitation schedules. So, what happens when the non-custodial parent doesn’t keep his or her scheduled visitation times, or does so inconsistently?
From a child’s perspective, the amount of love a parent feels for him is directly proportional to the amount of time they are willing to spend with him. We can talk about “quality time” all we want, but when it comes right down to it, for a child, love is spelled T-I-M-E. Children need regular attention from their parents in order to feel that they are people of worth. Let’s face it: we only spend time with people we value, and children are more than capable of comprehending this.
When a parent withdraws from the life of his or her child, it leads to a decreased sense of self-esteem. When this happens, very often the child will no longer attempt to succeed academically or socially. In an attempt to protect themselves from such feelings of worthlessness, some children cultivate well-developed fantasy lives, telling themselves that surely their parent is doing something very important, otherwise they would be here. This can easily lead to unrealistic views of other people and future relationships.
So, how should the custodial parent handle this situation? It is important to make the absent parent realize how important their relationship with their child really is. If the two of you no longer have enough of a rapport where you can discuss it rationally, then please ask someone else to intervene. Above all, you need to remain calm around your child. If you allow him or her to witness your anger or frustration, this will only intensify their negative feelings. Make sure not to bad-mouth the other parent, but help the child to understand that the parent’s absence must be caused by some difficulties they are having, and absolutely is not a reflection on the child. If you know that the other parent has a tendency to be inconsistent, you may want to have a back-up plan ready to occupy the child’s time. In this way, they can learn to adapt and use their time constructively.
Although there is no way to completely protect children from life’s disappointments, if we help them to deal with their frustration and distress, we will equip them to deal with other setbacks that they will encounter and not let these letdowns have a negative impact on their self-worth.
