When parents separate, they usually each truly want what is best for their children. It is only in unusual, highly dysfunctional situations, where one or both parents are intentionally manipulative, or use the children as weapons against the other parent, without regard for their well-being. That said, however, many good, well-intentioned parents find themselves stuck in positions based on fear: fear of the changes the children will be facing; fear of the altered dynamics between the parents; fear of the changing relationships between the parents themselves and the child.
Before a divorce, most families function on a schedule and division of labor based on how the household could be most efficiently run. Both adults are generally available to share child-care responsibilities such as supervision, transportation, homework assistance, activities, etc. After a divorce, one of the biggest changes that occurs is that each parent must take on total responsibility for the children during their scheduled time.
This decrease in flexibility can cause a great deal of stress for a newly-single parent. It can be very difficult to juggle work schedules, personal obligations, and the need to be available as the sole adult in charge of your children. In addition, depending on the age of the kids, they may have their own commitments that need to be accommodated: sports, plays, clubs, and a variety of other items that require either the presence of a parent, transportation, or some other type of involvement.
One way to minimize these conflicts is for both parents to get together and work out a 12-month calendar. You can start by blocking out at a high level all the known dates for the next year. Remember to include school schedules, extra-curricular activities, parents’ work schedules, vacations, holidays, and any other items you can think of. Then for the upcoming month (two if you can), complete a more detailed schedule, assigning responsibility and working out compromises when necessary. For example, if neither parent is available to cover an event, can a grandparent, friend, neighbor, or other relative be called upon to help? A well-thought-out calendar can facilitate a smooth (or at least smoother) custody arrangement and reduce the potential for future conflicts.
Finally, make sure that both of you stay as flexible as possible. Changes and disruptions happen, and it will be far better for the children if any unforeseen complications can be settled as amicably as possible.
