It is difficult to be a child of divorced parents. However, it is overwhelming to be a child of divorced parents who are constantly at war with each other! Children can remain scarred for years when their parents continue to be openly adversarial or hostile. Research shows that parents who continue their negative behavior after a divorce can cause more problems for a child than the divorce itself, and will ultimately delay the recovery for a child.
Do not let your child witness your anger toward his or her other parent. You will hurt your child if you consistently yell at or about your ex, speak negatively about him or her, evade the custody arrangement, or take on a self-righteous attitude. These actions and behaviors will greatly add to the stress your child is feeling. The more you can control your anger, the better off your child will be.
The best gift you can give your child right now is for both you and the other parent to handle custody issues and transitions with maturity and grace. Do your best to create a positive relationship with your ex. (If you absolutely can’t be positive, you can at least be civil.) The following guidelines will give you some specific examples of ways to accomplish this:
- Never discuss your ex with your child. Children will form strong bonds with people who make them feel safe. Your child will not feel safe to discuss his feelings with you if you are constantly criticizing his mom or dad.
- Do not ask your child to carry messages between you and your ex. This will only put your child in the middle of an unpleasant situation. You need to be able to work out an amicable method of communicating directly with your ex.
- Stop thinking of your former spouse as your ex-husband or ex-wife. Instead, think of him or her as the father or mother of your child. You have a responsibility to find ways to develop a working relationship with him or her in order to effectively parent your child.
- Don’t ask your child to report on the actions of the other parent. Having to answer questions about his mother or father puts your child in a lose-lose situation. Your ex’s decisions and behavior are his or her responsibility, unless, of course, they put your child in a truly harmful or dangerous situation. If you think this is the case, it is best to do a reality-check with a neutral third party to see if there is actual potential harm to your child, or if you are just upset.
- Follow the custody and visitation agreement to the letter. Your child will “keep score” on each time he or she sits by the window waiting for a parent who doesn’t show up, and they will harbor a life-long resentment of being lied to.
Taking your hurt and anger out of your ex-spouse WILL hurt your child. However, if you can model self-esteem and maturity for your child by cultivating a civil and cooperative relationship with his mother or father, you will be the emotionally healthy parent your child deserves.
