Best Custody Strategies

Over the last few months, I’ve been dealing with a virtual epidemic of irresponsible, immature, and dysfunctional parents. That may sound harsh, but please read on and see if you agree.

Recently, a family with whom I have counseled found themselves back in family court to settle a dispute over unpaid child support. After a very acrimonious divorce and custody battle, the mother was awarded physical custody of the children, and a visitation schedule was settled upon that kept the father quite involved in the children’s lives. As far as access to the children and an ongoing relationship with both parents was concerned, things were working out very well.

However, after just a few months, the father became very inconsistent in his child support payments, and just a few years into the arrangement, he was now over $10,000 behind.

During the court proceedings, it came to light that shortly after the divorce the father had purchased a very expensive, highly accessorized SUV. And although he claimed financial hardship as a reason for the non-payment of his child support, he was quite proud of the fact that not once had he ever been late with his car payment.

I wonder if it has ever occurred to him that priorities like this speak volumes to his children about love.

Now don’t think I’m just bashing the fathers here… I’ve been running into some mothers that are real doozies as well. Stay tuned for my next post.

Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) has attracted considerable attention in recent years, and its existence has been the subject of much debate. Whether it truly exists as a diagnosable “syndrome” is not an issue that I am going to debate. I do believe that the characteristics or “symptoms” of PAS can be found in the context of child custody disputes with alarming frequency, and it is definitely a tactic used by some parents to poison their children against the other parent.

Several definitions have been put forth for Parental Alienation Syndrome. The one I like best was written by Reena Sommer, Ph.D., and reads as follows:

“…the deliberate attempt by one parent (and/or guardian/significant other) to distance his/her children from the other parent and in doing so, the parent engages the children in the process of destroying the affectional and familial bonds that once existed.”

Parental alienation is a condition that develops over time, as the “offending” parent exerts an increasing influence on the victimized child. The problem can be characterized by any or all of the following components:

• A parent speaks badly of or demeans the other parent directly to the children.
• A parent speaks badly of or demeans the other parent to others in the presence or within audible distance of the children.
• A parent discusses with the children the circumstances under which the marriage broke down.
• A parent exposes the children to details of the parents’ ongoing conflict, financial problems, and legal proceedings.
• A parent blames the other parent for changes in lifestyle, current hardships, his or her negative emotional state and inability to function as before.
• Children come to know that in order to please one parent, they must turn against the other parent.

Without a doubt, PAS is child abuse, and children need to be protected from it. Your first course of action should be to obtain the services of a child and family psychologist who has experience in dealing with PAS cases. In addition, the absolute best thing you can do is to acquire a copy of the Parental Alienation Syndrome package that has been compiled by The Custody Center, under the direction of Drs. Bricklin and Elliot, psychologists and nationally-known child custody experts. This collection of literature will see you through every step of combating and counteracting this terrible heartache, and it has immeasurably helped several of my personal clients. There is help available to you – secure your copy now.

I stumbled across this the other day, and would like to share it with you. It is a wonderful guideline that parents would do well to follow, both during their custody dispute, and after the custody agreement has been decided. It was not attributed, so if anyone knows its source, please let me know and I will get official permission to reprint it.

The Parent’s Promise

For the greatest good of my child(ren), I hereby agree that:

1. I will not speak negatively about my child’s other parent to my child or in his or her presence.
2. I will not tell my child(ren), “that (negative behavior or characteristic) is just like your father/mother.”
3. I will not put my child(ren) in the middle of issues with their other parent.
4. I will not use my child(ren) as a means to get revenge on their other parent.
5. If my child(ren)’s parent has a new relationship, I will not speak negatively of this other person to my child(ren).
6. I will not expect my child(ren) to support my emotional health.
7. On a regular basis, I will ask my child(ren) how they are doing.
8. I will do my best to fully support my child(ren) during this process.
9. I will allow my child(ren) to be (a) child(ren) during this time.
10. I will seek professional counseling if I need to speak with somone about my situation or if I am having difficulty living up to these promises.
11. If I do not uphold the above promises, I admit that I personally am not acting in the best interests of my child(ren)’s physical and emotional health.
12. I will speak with my child(ren)’s counselor at least once each month in order to gain insight into their well-being.

By agreeing to this Parent’s Promise, I am accepting responsibility to provide the best environment possible for my child(ren) during this transition. In upholding these promises, I am also acknowledging to my child(ren) that they have no fault in this decision that was made by their parents. I am fully committed to the best interest of my child(ren)’s emotional and physical health during this time and to their future growth and development.

Honestly and with much love, I commit to this for my child.

Signed, (Your Mom and/or Dad)