Best Custody Strategies

My previous article reminded divorcing parents that they should make every effort to avoid fighting in front of their children and to never manipulate their children’s emotions by using them as pawns against the other parent.

Today, I would like to continue my discussion of things parents can do to make their divorce and potential custody battle as manageable as possible for their children.

Despite the fact that it may be extremely difficult for you to communicate with your ex-spouse, you MUST resist the temptation to turn your children into messengers, or worse, spies. If you have something to discuss with the other parent, contact him or her directly and work it out.

Finally, realize that as a result of your divorce and potential child custody dispute, your children are facing major changes in their lives. In order to help them adjust, parents must keep other changes to a minimum. Avoid making adjustments to the family residence or school district. Do your best to maintain stability in areas of their lives that have not been affected by the divorce, such as sports, friends, activities, etc.

In closing, it is important that both parents frequently remind their children that you are still their parents and you will always be there for them. Continue to love, support, and encourage them, and thus help them to gradually adapt to their new lives.

You and your spouse have tried, but you’ve decided that you just can’t make it work. It’s time for a divorce. Now you must face the emotionally draining task of dividing up your belongings, negotiating finances, and basically dismantling everything you’ve built during the time you were together.

However, if the two of you have children together, this adds yet another element to consider. It is vital that you remind yourself that the children are simply passengers along for this ride through the divorce journey and any resulting custody dispute. You must do the best you can to maintain as much stability as possible their lives.

Many children feel lost and insecure when their parents divorce, and they often may blame themselves for the failure of their parents’ marriage. These emotions are not limited to younger children; older children also experience these feelings. When parents split up and child custody is determined, children experience enormous changes in many aspects of their lives. It is up to you as parents to make these transitions as smooth as possible.

One way you can do this is to agree that you will NEVER fight in front of your children. When children witness these confrontations, particularly when they involve issues such as child support or custody, they typically feel a need to take “sides” in the divorce. Obviously, this will be extremely detrimental to the parent/child relationship.

Likewise, you should never use your children as pawns in the fight against your spouse. When children are forced to listen to constant criticism of one parent by their other parent, they suffer lasting damage. This behavior can ultimately lead to the alienation of the child from the parent (Parental Alienation Syndrome), where the child has had their emotions manipulated to such a degree that the bond between the parent and child are destroyed.

In my next article, I will discuss additional ways that you can make your divorce as manageable as possible for your children.

Even under the best of circumstances, a divorce and child custody dispute is difficult and emotionally draining. When you are in the midst of this type of situation, many times, doing what is best for your children means taking good care of yourself. If you are mentally stable, well-rested, and fulfilled, it can help you truly concentrate on what your children need, how they are doing, and how you can best parent them. Therefore, it is important to give serious thought to how you will use your time when the children are out of your house spending time with their other parent.

As a society we tend to focus on the children — what it is like for them to switch homes, how to help them make smooth transitions – but at these times it is often more difficult for the parent who is left behind. The following list will give you some things to consider to improve your well-being, so that you can be at your best when the children return.

• In the days leading up to when the children are leaving, think about what you would like to do while they are away. Make plans to spend time with people you really enjoy. If no one is available, decide to do something you really love, like reading a good book or renting a move you always wanted to see.
• During the moments when the children are leaving, try to be organized. Give brief, loving, and calm goodbyes, and make sure that they understand that all of you will be fine, and this is a good thing for them to do. If they see you fighting back tears or suspect you will be lonely, they will worry about you while they are gone, thus making it difficult to enjoy their time with their other parent.
• Make sure to remember that it is almost always best for the children to have a close relationship with both of their parents. Do everything you can to facilitate a strong bond between your children and your ex-spouse.
• While the kids are away, do your best to stay occupied. During the day, you can keep yourself busy with your work, housework, shopping, or other daily tasks that you would like to catch up on. In the evenings or on weekends, treat yourself. Buy tickets for a show or, enjoy a nice dinner out – whatever you can do to ensure that the time without your children is special for you.
• Make sure that you have enough information to set your mind at ease about the children’s whereabouts when they are gone. Have the phone numbers of where they will be, but call only occasionally – just enough to reassure yourself. Providing them with pre-paid phone cards is another way to put your mind at ease; if you know they can call you whenever they need to, you will worry less.

Yes, it will be difficult the first few times your children leave to visit their other parent. However, if you have a plan, and make sure to take advantage of the time while they are gone to care for yourself, your will be building a good foundation on which all of your lives can move forward.

It is difficult to be a child of divorced parents. However, it is overwhelming to be a child of divorced parents who are constantly at war with each other! Children can remain scarred for years when their parents continue to be openly adversarial or hostile. Research shows that parents who continue their negative behavior after a divorce can cause more problems for a child than the divorce itself, and will ultimately delay the recovery for a child.

Do not let your child witness your anger toward his or her other parent. You will hurt your child if you consistently yell at or about your ex, speak negatively about him or her, evade the custody arrangement, or take on a self-righteous attitude. These actions and behaviors will greatly add to the stress your child is feeling. The more you can control your anger, the better off your child will be.

The best gift you can give your child right now is for both you and the other parent to handle custody issues and transitions with maturity and grace. Do your best to create a positive relationship with your ex. (If you absolutely can’t be positive, you can at least be civil.) The following guidelines will give you some specific examples of ways to accomplish this:

• Never discuss your ex with your child. Children will form strong bonds with people who make them feel safe. Your child will not feel safe to discuss his feelings with you if you are constantly criticizing his mom or dad.
• Do not ask your child to carry messages between you and your ex. This will only put your child in the middle of an unpleasant situation. You need to be able to work out an amicable method of communicating directly with your ex.
• Stop thinking of your former spouse as your ex-husband or ex-wife. Instead, think of him or her as the father or mother of your child. You have a responsibility to find ways to develop a working relationship with him or her in order to effectively parent your child.
• Don’t ask your child to report on the actions of the other parent. Having to answer questions about his mother or father puts your child in a lose-lose situation. Your ex’s decisions and behavior are his or her responsibility, unless, of course, they put your child in a truly harmful or dangerous situation. If you think this is the case, it is best to do a reality-check with a neutral third party to see if there is actual potential harm to your child, or if you are just upset.
• Follow the custody and visitation agreement to the letter. Your child will “keep score” on each time he or she sits by the window waiting for a parent who doesn’t show up, and they will harbor a life-long resentment of being lied to.

Taking your hurt and anger out of your ex-spouse WILL hurt your child. However, if you can model self-esteem and maturity for your child by cultivating a civil and cooperative relationship with his mother or father, you will be the emotionally healthy parent your child deserves.

The divorce is final, the custody arrangements have been worked out, and all parties agreed to the supervision and visitation schedules. So, what happens when the non-custodial parent doesn’t keep his or her scheduled visitation times, or does so inconsistently?

From a child’s perspective, the amount of love a parent feels for him is directly proportional to the amount of time they are willing to spend with him. We can talk about “quality time” all we want, but when it comes right down to it, for a child, love is spelled T-I-M-E. Children need regular attention from their parents in order to feel that they are people of worth. Let’s face it: we only spend time with people we value, and children are more than capable of comprehending this.

When a parent withdraws from the life of his or her child, it leads to a decreased sense of self-esteem. When this happens, very often the child will no longer attempt to succeed academically or socially. In an attempt to protect themselves from such feelings of worthlessness, some children cultivate well-developed fantasy lives, telling themselves that surely their parent is doing something very important, otherwise they would be here. This can easily lead to unrealistic views of other people and future relationships.

So, how should the custodial parent handle this situation? It is important to make the absent parent realize how important their relationship with their child really is. If the two of you no longer have enough of a rapport where you can discuss it rationally, then please ask someone else to intervene. Above all, you need to remain calm around your child. If you allow him or her to witness your anger or frustration, this will only intensify their negative feelings. Make sure not to bad-mouth the other parent, but help the child to understand that the parent’s absence must be caused by some difficulties they are having, and absolutely is not a reflection on the child. If you know that the other parent has a tendency to be inconsistent, you may want to have a back-up plan ready to occupy the child’s time. In this way, they can learn to adapt and use their time constructively.

Although there is no way to completely protect children from life’s disappointments, if we help them to deal with their frustration and distress, we will equip them to deal with other setbacks that they will encounter and not let these letdowns have a negative impact on their self-worth.

When parents separate, they usually each truly want what is best for their children. It is only in unusual, highly dysfunctional situations, where one or both parents are intentionally manipulative, or use the children as weapons against the other parent, without regard for their well-being. That said, however, many good, well-intentioned parents find themselves stuck in positions based on fear: fear of the changes the children will be facing; fear of the altered dynamics between the parents; fear of the changing relationships between the parents themselves and the child.

Before a divorce, most families function on a schedule and division of labor based on how the household could be most efficiently run. Both adults are generally available to share child-care responsibilities such as supervision, transportation, homework assistance, activities, etc. After a divorce, one of the biggest changes that occurs is that each parent must take on total responsibility for the children during their scheduled time.

This decrease in flexibility can cause a great deal of stress for a newly-single parent. It can be very difficult to juggle work schedules, personal obligations, and the need to be available as the sole adult in charge of your children. In addition, depending on the age of the kids, they may have their own commitments that need to be accommodated: sports, plays, clubs, and a variety of other items that require either the presence of a parent, transportation, or some other type of involvement.

One way to minimize these conflicts is for both parents to get together and work out a 12-month calendar. You can start by blocking out at a high level all the known dates for the next year. Remember to include school schedules, extra-curricular activities, parents’ work schedules, vacations, holidays, and any other items you can think of. Then for the upcoming month (two if you can), complete a more detailed schedule, assigning responsibility and working out compromises when necessary. For example, if neither parent is available to cover an event, can a grandparent, friend, neighbor, or other relative be called upon to help? A well-thought-out calendar can facilitate a smooth (or at least smoother) custody arrangement and reduce the potential for future conflicts.

Finally, make sure that both of you stay as flexible as possible. Changes and disruptions happen, and it will be far better for the children if any unforeseen complications can be settled as amicably as possible.