Best Custody Strategies

My previous article reminded divorcing parents that they should make every effort to avoid fighting in front of their children and to never manipulate their children’s emotions by using them as pawns against the other parent.

Today, I would like to continue my discussion of things parents can do to make their divorce and potential custody battle as manageable as possible for their children.

Despite the fact that it may be extremely difficult for you to communicate with your ex-spouse, you MUST resist the temptation to turn your children into messengers, or worse, spies. If you have something to discuss with the other parent, contact him or her directly and work it out.

Finally, realize that as a result of your divorce and potential child custody dispute, your children are facing major changes in their lives. In order to help them adjust, parents must keep other changes to a minimum. Avoid making adjustments to the family residence or school district. Do your best to maintain stability in areas of their lives that have not been affected by the divorce, such as sports, friends, activities, etc.

In closing, it is important that both parents frequently remind their children that you are still their parents and you will always be there for them. Continue to love, support, and encourage them, and thus help them to gradually adapt to their new lives.

You and your spouse have tried, but you’ve decided that you just can’t make it work. It’s time for a divorce. Now you must face the emotionally draining task of dividing up your belongings, negotiating finances, and basically dismantling everything you’ve built during the time you were together.

However, if the two of you have children together, this adds yet another element to consider. It is vital that you remind yourself that the children are simply passengers along for this ride through the divorce journey and any resulting custody dispute. You must do the best you can to maintain as much stability as possible their lives.

Many children feel lost and insecure when their parents divorce, and they often may blame themselves for the failure of their parents’ marriage. These emotions are not limited to younger children; older children also experience these feelings. When parents split up and child custody is determined, children experience enormous changes in many aspects of their lives. It is up to you as parents to make these transitions as smooth as possible.

One way you can do this is to agree that you will NEVER fight in front of your children. When children witness these confrontations, particularly when they involve issues such as child support or custody, they typically feel a need to take “sides” in the divorce. Obviously, this will be extremely detrimental to the parent/child relationship.

Likewise, you should never use your children as pawns in the fight against your spouse. When children are forced to listen to constant criticism of one parent by their other parent, they suffer lasting damage. This behavior can ultimately lead to the alienation of the child from the parent (Parental Alienation Syndrome), where the child has had their emotions manipulated to such a degree that the bond between the parent and child are destroyed.

In my next article, I will discuss additional ways that you can make your divorce as manageable as possible for your children.

Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) has attracted considerable attention in recent years, and its existence has been the subject of much debate. Whether it truly exists as a diagnosable “syndrome” is not an issue that I am going to debate. I do believe that the characteristics or “symptoms” of PAS can be found in the context of child custody disputes with alarming frequency, and it is definitely a tactic used by some parents to poison their children against the other parent.

Several definitions have been put forth for Parental Alienation Syndrome. The one I like best was written by Reena Sommer, Ph.D., and reads as follows:

“…the deliberate attempt by one parent (and/or guardian/significant other) to distance his/her children from the other parent and in doing so, the parent engages the children in the process of destroying the affectional and familial bonds that once existed.”

Parental alienation is a condition that develops over time, as the “offending” parent exerts an increasing influence on the victimized child. The problem can be characterized by any or all of the following components:

• A parent speaks badly of or demeans the other parent directly to the children.
• A parent speaks badly of or demeans the other parent to others in the presence or within audible distance of the children.
• A parent discusses with the children the circumstances under which the marriage broke down.
• A parent exposes the children to details of the parents’ ongoing conflict, financial problems, and legal proceedings.
• A parent blames the other parent for changes in lifestyle, current hardships, his or her negative emotional state and inability to function as before.
• Children come to know that in order to please one parent, they must turn against the other parent.

Without a doubt, PAS is child abuse, and children need to be protected from it. Your first course of action should be to obtain the services of a child and family psychologist who has experience in dealing with PAS cases. In addition, the absolute best thing you can do is to acquire a copy of the Parental Alienation Syndrome package that has been compiled by The Custody Center, under the direction of Drs. Bricklin and Elliot, psychologists and nationally-known child custody experts. This collection of literature will see you through every step of combating and counteracting this terrible heartache, and it has immeasurably helped several of my personal clients. There is help available to you – secure your copy now.

I stumbled across this the other day, and would like to share it with you. It is a wonderful guideline that parents would do well to follow, both during their custody dispute, and after the custody agreement has been decided. It was not attributed, so if anyone knows its source, please let me know and I will get official permission to reprint it.

The Parent’s Promise

For the greatest good of my child(ren), I hereby agree that:

1. I will not speak negatively about my child’s other parent to my child or in his or her presence.
2. I will not tell my child(ren), “that (negative behavior or characteristic) is just like your father/mother.”
3. I will not put my child(ren) in the middle of issues with their other parent.
4. I will not use my child(ren) as a means to get revenge on their other parent.
5. If my child(ren)’s parent has a new relationship, I will not speak negatively of this other person to my child(ren).
6. I will not expect my child(ren) to support my emotional health.
7. On a regular basis, I will ask my child(ren) how they are doing.
8. I will do my best to fully support my child(ren) during this process.
9. I will allow my child(ren) to be (a) child(ren) during this time.
10. I will seek professional counseling if I need to speak with somone about my situation or if I am having difficulty living up to these promises.
11. If I do not uphold the above promises, I admit that I personally am not acting in the best interests of my child(ren)’s physical and emotional health.
12. I will speak with my child(ren)’s counselor at least once each month in order to gain insight into their well-being.

By agreeing to this Parent’s Promise, I am accepting responsibility to provide the best environment possible for my child(ren) during this transition. In upholding these promises, I am also acknowledging to my child(ren) that they have no fault in this decision that was made by their parents. I am fully committed to the best interest of my child(ren)’s emotional and physical health during this time and to their future growth and development.

Honestly and with much love, I commit to this for my child.

Signed, (Your Mom and/or Dad)

Even under the best of circumstances, a divorce and child custody dispute is difficult and emotionally draining. When you are in the midst of this type of situation, many times, doing what is best for your children means taking good care of yourself. If you are mentally stable, well-rested, and fulfilled, it can help you truly concentrate on what your children need, how they are doing, and how you can best parent them. Therefore, it is important to give serious thought to how you will use your time when the children are out of your house spending time with their other parent.

As a society we tend to focus on the children — what it is like for them to switch homes, how to help them make smooth transitions – but at these times it is often more difficult for the parent who is left behind. The following list will give you some things to consider to improve your well-being, so that you can be at your best when the children return.

• In the days leading up to when the children are leaving, think about what you would like to do while they are away. Make plans to spend time with people you really enjoy. If no one is available, decide to do something you really love, like reading a good book or renting a move you always wanted to see.
• During the moments when the children are leaving, try to be organized. Give brief, loving, and calm goodbyes, and make sure that they understand that all of you will be fine, and this is a good thing for them to do. If they see you fighting back tears or suspect you will be lonely, they will worry about you while they are gone, thus making it difficult to enjoy their time with their other parent.
• Make sure to remember that it is almost always best for the children to have a close relationship with both of their parents. Do everything you can to facilitate a strong bond between your children and your ex-spouse.
• While the kids are away, do your best to stay occupied. During the day, you can keep yourself busy with your work, housework, shopping, or other daily tasks that you would like to catch up on. In the evenings or on weekends, treat yourself. Buy tickets for a show or, enjoy a nice dinner out – whatever you can do to ensure that the time without your children is special for you.
• Make sure that you have enough information to set your mind at ease about the children’s whereabouts when they are gone. Have the phone numbers of where they will be, but call only occasionally – just enough to reassure yourself. Providing them with pre-paid phone cards is another way to put your mind at ease; if you know they can call you whenever they need to, you will worry less.

Yes, it will be difficult the first few times your children leave to visit their other parent. However, if you have a plan, and make sure to take advantage of the time while they are gone to care for yourself, your will be building a good foundation on which all of your lives can move forward.