Best Custody Strategies

When I counsel families who are facing a custody battle, it is not uncommon for parents to lose their focus on the actual needs of the children involved. That statement may at first cause you to have a somewhat defensive defensive reaction, a tendency to ask what I could possibly mean by that. Aren’t children the primary focus of a custody battle? Please bear with me while I explain…

Many times, by the time a couple gets to the point of divorce, there is a long history of negative feelings and adversarial interaction between them. Even though both parents may want the best for their children, their perceptions of their child’s needs can be influenced by the antagonistic feelings they have toward their ex-spouse.

In this situation, one of the most important elements of good parenting is the parent’s ability to subordinate his or her needs to the needs of the child. When a parent begins to understand this, he or she will become a much better parent and a much better candidate for custody. It is essential to keep your negative feelings toward your former spouse from damaging your child’s relationship with and perceptions of him or her.

In the majority of cases, each parent has a right to a relationship with their child, and the child has a right to a relationship with both parents. Once you can recognize this truth in your circumstances, you will have a much better ability to focus on what is genuinely best for your child. In turn, you will then be more qualified to prevail in your pursuit of a favorable custody agreement.

When it comes to deciding custody arrangements, courts tend to show preference to parents who are respectful and cooperative during divorce proceedings. When you can train yourself to truly view the needs of your child without the bias of any residual negativity toward the other parent, you will have positioned yourself to be at a great advantage in your custody dispute.

In my previous article, I discussed the importance emotional stability, both for yourself and your child, in winning your child custody dispute. Today, I would like to focus on another issue that can make or break a custody case: financial security.

When facing custody litigation, a parent should establish that he or she has secured stable employment with an income sufficient to support the children, even if additional child support income is anticipated from the other parent. For some parents, particularly ones that stayed at home to care for the children, this may require that you demonstrate the availability of financial support from close family members, with the aim of influencing the court in your direction.

Also pertinent to the subject of financial security is the parent’s residence. When faced the question of child custody, it is common for a family court judge to request an examination of the home of each parent. This study will be performed by a court-appointed social worker, with the goal of presenting impartial information regarding the living arrangements available to the children. For this reason, a parent should make certain that each child is furnished with his or her own bed and an adequate wardrobe. While children of the same gender can share a bedroom, it does not make a favorable impression for them to be required to share a bed or clothing.

You should also make sure that the home is safe and properly secured; door locks should be in working order, the home should be clean and free from clutter, and most definitely free from any safety issues. These details may seem overly painstaking, but in a child custody battle, they can become sources of great difficulty when the home study reports are released to the Judge and to counsel.

During a divorce, one matter usually stands out as the ultimate point of contention – custody of the children. In the next few articles, I will examine a few steps parents can take to ensure that they have the best opportunity to win custody of their children.

As with any conflict during a divorce proceeding, the best outcome generally results from communication and compromise between the divorcing couple. However, if these measures are not successful and custody of the children becomes a court decision, you will want to take any actions you can to improve your chances of obtaining or retaining child custody.

Divorce and a potential custody battle is certainly one of the most emotionally draining events you will ever face. As a parent, you will have the best chance to prevail in a legal custody dispute if you diligently pursue emotional stability, both for yourself and your children.

When struggling with a child custody battle, parents should pay particular attention to the emotional welfare of their children. Most courts very carefully examine the essential elements of child welfare including neglect, abandonment or abuse. For this reason, seeking out an emotional support group for yourself and psychological counseling for your children will demonstrate to the court that you have a genuine interest in providing an emotionally stable environment.

A parent facing a custody dispute should also work to ensure that his or her personal actions are of a respectable nature. You can ensure that complicating factors, such as accusations of promiscuous behavior, are not drawn into the litigation by avoiding nightlife, dating, and any new intimate and personal relationships.

It is difficult to be a child of divorced parents. However, it is overwhelming to be a child of divorced parents who are constantly at war with each other! Children can remain scarred for years when their parents continue to be openly adversarial or hostile. Research shows that parents who continue their negative behavior after a divorce can cause more problems for a child than the divorce itself, and will ultimately delay the recovery for a child.

Do not let your child witness your anger toward his or her other parent. You will hurt your child if you consistently yell at or about your ex, speak negatively about him or her, evade the custody arrangement, or take on a self-righteous attitude. These actions and behaviors will greatly add to the stress your child is feeling. The more you can control your anger, the better off your child will be.

The best gift you can give your child right now is for both you and the other parent to handle custody issues and transitions with maturity and grace. Do your best to create a positive relationship with your ex. (If you absolutely can’t be positive, you can at least be civil.) The following guidelines will give you some specific examples of ways to accomplish this:

• Never discuss your ex with your child. Children will form strong bonds with people who make them feel safe. Your child will not feel safe to discuss his feelings with you if you are constantly criticizing his mom or dad.
• Do not ask your child to carry messages between you and your ex. This will only put your child in the middle of an unpleasant situation. You need to be able to work out an amicable method of communicating directly with your ex.
• Stop thinking of your former spouse as your ex-husband or ex-wife. Instead, think of him or her as the father or mother of your child. You have a responsibility to find ways to develop a working relationship with him or her in order to effectively parent your child.
• Don’t ask your child to report on the actions of the other parent. Having to answer questions about his mother or father puts your child in a lose-lose situation. Your ex’s decisions and behavior are his or her responsibility, unless, of course, they put your child in a truly harmful or dangerous situation. If you think this is the case, it is best to do a reality-check with a neutral third party to see if there is actual potential harm to your child, or if you are just upset.
• Follow the custody and visitation agreement to the letter. Your child will “keep score” on each time he or she sits by the window waiting for a parent who doesn’t show up, and they will harbor a life-long resentment of being lied to.

Taking your hurt and anger out of your ex-spouse WILL hurt your child. However, if you can model self-esteem and maturity for your child by cultivating a civil and cooperative relationship with his mother or father, you will be the emotionally healthy parent your child deserves.

The divorce is final, the custody arrangements have been worked out, and all parties agreed to the supervision and visitation schedules. So, what happens when the non-custodial parent doesn’t keep his or her scheduled visitation times, or does so inconsistently?

From a child’s perspective, the amount of love a parent feels for him is directly proportional to the amount of time they are willing to spend with him. We can talk about “quality time” all we want, but when it comes right down to it, for a child, love is spelled T-I-M-E. Children need regular attention from their parents in order to feel that they are people of worth. Let’s face it: we only spend time with people we value, and children are more than capable of comprehending this.

When a parent withdraws from the life of his or her child, it leads to a decreased sense of self-esteem. When this happens, very often the child will no longer attempt to succeed academically or socially. In an attempt to protect themselves from such feelings of worthlessness, some children cultivate well-developed fantasy lives, telling themselves that surely their parent is doing something very important, otherwise they would be here. This can easily lead to unrealistic views of other people and future relationships.

So, how should the custodial parent handle this situation? It is important to make the absent parent realize how important their relationship with their child really is. If the two of you no longer have enough of a rapport where you can discuss it rationally, then please ask someone else to intervene. Above all, you need to remain calm around your child. If you allow him or her to witness your anger or frustration, this will only intensify their negative feelings. Make sure not to bad-mouth the other parent, but help the child to understand that the parent’s absence must be caused by some difficulties they are having, and absolutely is not a reflection on the child. If you know that the other parent has a tendency to be inconsistent, you may want to have a back-up plan ready to occupy the child’s time. In this way, they can learn to adapt and use their time constructively.

Although there is no way to completely protect children from life’s disappointments, if we help them to deal with their frustration and distress, we will equip them to deal with other setbacks that they will encounter and not let these letdowns have a negative impact on their self-worth.

When parents separate, they usually each truly want what is best for their children. It is only in unusual, highly dysfunctional situations, where one or both parents are intentionally manipulative, or use the children as weapons against the other parent, without regard for their well-being. That said, however, many good, well-intentioned parents find themselves stuck in positions based on fear: fear of the changes the children will be facing; fear of the altered dynamics between the parents; fear of the changing relationships between the parents themselves and the child.

Before a divorce, most families function on a schedule and division of labor based on how the household could be most efficiently run. Both adults are generally available to share child-care responsibilities such as supervision, transportation, homework assistance, activities, etc. After a divorce, one of the biggest changes that occurs is that each parent must take on total responsibility for the children during their scheduled time.

This decrease in flexibility can cause a great deal of stress for a newly-single parent. It can be very difficult to juggle work schedules, personal obligations, and the need to be available as the sole adult in charge of your children. In addition, depending on the age of the kids, they may have their own commitments that need to be accommodated: sports, plays, clubs, and a variety of other items that require either the presence of a parent, transportation, or some other type of involvement.

One way to minimize these conflicts is for both parents to get together and work out a 12-month calendar. You can start by blocking out at a high level all the known dates for the next year. Remember to include school schedules, extra-curricular activities, parents’ work schedules, vacations, holidays, and any other items you can think of. Then for the upcoming month (two if you can), complete a more detailed schedule, assigning responsibility and working out compromises when necessary. For example, if neither parent is available to cover an event, can a grandparent, friend, neighbor, or other relative be called upon to help? A well-thought-out calendar can facilitate a smooth (or at least smoother) custody arrangement and reduce the potential for future conflicts.

Finally, make sure that both of you stay as flexible as possible. Changes and disruptions happen, and it will be far better for the children if any unforeseen complications can be settled as amicably as possible.

Welcome to Best Custody Strategies. I know, this is at best a difficult subject, and at its worst it can be ugly, painful, heartbreaking, and downright evil. If you are going through a custody dispute, you need all the support you can find. Not just first-class legal representation – I’m sure you have that already. Equally important is for you to obtain the information and resources you need to sustain and uphold you mentally and psychologically.

No doubt about it, this is going to be one of the hardest things you will ever experience – past, present, and future. You will need to draw on every reserve of energy, strength, and courage you have available… and when you think you are empty, you will be called on for even more. Be prepared, physically and emotionally.

Take care of yourself. You know how to do it, but you just don’t. Now, more than ever before, it is absolutely vital that you take the time to keep yourself healthy and physically tough. Eat right. Exercise. I know, time is at a premium, but you can’t afford not to spend the time it takes to maintain your physical well-being. You need every advantage you can possibly get.

From an emotional perspective, your true friends and family will be irreplaceable. The people around you who love you and your children are a priceless resource, and you will appreciate them forever for the friendship, encouragement, and strength they will offer at this time. Nothing can replace the presence of these people when you need to be emotionally propped up, reinforced, or just want a shoulder to cry on.

And now, you have me. I’m Kiki Anderson, and you can read more about me here. I’ve been working with people like you for over 20 years, and I am passionate about equipping you with the best information and resources to bring you through this gut-wrenching time in your life. Please bookmark this site and return often to read the articles and advice I have to offer. Take advantage of the resources I have to recommend – they have proven to be invaluable to my personal clients and I’m sure they will benefit you immeasurably as well. Finally, you can even contact me if you wish. I promise you that I read each and every e-mail I receieve, and even though I simply can’t guarantee an individual response to everyone, I may be able to address your question or comment in a future post.

So, take care of yourselves, give your children an extra hug and kiss, and settle in to explore. I’m glad you found me.